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Daffy
Definitions
Budget: the mathematical confirmation of
your suspicions. (A. A. Latimer)
a
device for telling you where your money should have gone.
Bargain: something you can't use at a price you can't trust.
Christmas bonus: one which arrives just in the St. Nick of time.
Bank: an institution that is meticulously accurate in everything
except time and temperature.
Net worth: fisherman's income.
H. R. Block: when you care enough to send the very least.
Miser: one
who lets the world go buy.
Optimist: an aspiring young rock musician with a mortgage.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Co-robberation: partners in crime.
Rookee: fraud victim.
Inept crook: one who robs people the wrong way.
Income
tax: capital punishment.
Government bureau: where they keep taxpayer's shirts.
Government deficit: the difference between the amount
of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
(Sam Ewing)
Status quo: Latin for the mess we're in.
Rigor Morris: latin for "the cat is dead"
Cognito eggo sum: I think, therefore, I am a waffle.
Semper ubi, sub ubi: Always where under where.
Carpe Duh: Seize an idiot.
Carpe Diet: Seize the rice cake.
Carpe Dig'Em: Seize the chips 'n dip.
Carpe Per Diem: Seize the check.
Carpe Carp: Seize the fish.
Carpe Calypso: Seize the DAY-O.
Carpe Ductum: Seize the tape.
Carne diem: seize the meat.
Politician: hot-air buffoon.
The Politician's Polka: You take one step forward, two steps back--and
sidestep the issue.
Diplomacy: letting someone
else have your way.
art
of saying "good doggie" while looking for a big stick.
Diplomat: a man who
always remembers his wife’s birthday, but never her age.
(Robert Frost)
Consultant: borrows your watch and tells you what time it is.
someone
called in at the last minute to share the blame.
someone
who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee.
Lawyer: someone willing
to spend every cent you own to proves he's right.
Will: a dead giveaway.
G'angst'er: someone torn by inner conflic...and bullets.
A'limo'ny: how ex-wives get big new cars.
Nin'com'poop: CEO of a failed Internet company.
Honeymoon: time between
"I do" and "you'd better."
Thanksgiving: annual day of sacrificing campylobacter infested
birds to carnivores.
Excuses: the nails used to build a house
of failure.
Faith: believing in things when common
sense tells you not to.
Worry: the Devil's prayer
interest
paid in advance on a debt you may never owe.
Fear: a dark room where negatives
are developed.
excitement
in need of an attitude adjustment.
Flosstroophobia: fear of getting somehting stuck between your teeth.
Aibohphobia: fear of palindromes.
Typochondria: fear of spelling errors.
Laughter: a tranquilizer with no side effects.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Temper: what gets us into trouble.
Pride: what keeps us there.
Ego: that ugly little
troll that lives underneath the bridge between your mind and heart
Altar ego: pompous preacher.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Tact: convincing people they
know more than you do.
art
of telling someone to lose 30 pounds without ever using the word fat.
Wisdom: knowing what to do next...
virtue: doing it.
(David Star Jordan, American naturalist)
Integrity: doing the right thing when no one is watching.
Patience: putting up with people you'd like to put down.
a
virture that carries a lot of wait.
the
ability to keep your motor idling when you feel like stripping your gears.
the
quality you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
Success: how high you bounce when you hit bottom (Gen. George Patton)
Perseverance: many short races one after another.
Character: what you do on the third and fourth tries (James
A. Michener)
Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.
what
some people call their mistakes.
helps
you recognize a mistake every time you repeat it.
Poise: the ability to continue speaking
fluently while another is picking up the check.
Good answer: what you think of later.
Consciousness:
that annoying time between naps.
Horse sense: stable thinking and the ability to say 'nay'.
Gossip: letting the chat out of the bag.
Parannoyed: tired of people suggesting you see a psychiatrist.
Neurotic: builds castles in the sky.
Psychotic: lives in them.
Psychiatrist: collects the rent.
Today:
the tommorrow that yesterday you spent money like there was no.
the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Eternity: making car payments.
Bananosecond: time between slipping on a peel and falling.
Youth:
adjusting your hair to the existing hairstyle.
Maturity: adjusting your hairstyle to the existing hair.
Heredity: what makes the parents of a teenager wondering about
each other.
Twenty something: the going rate for a baby sitter.
Engagement: a loving tie or a military battle.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
(Milton Berle)
when
a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places.
too
young to take up golf, too old to rush up to the net.
Retirement: when the alarm clock is no longer alarming.
twice
as much husband and half as much money.
Old age: fifteen years older than I am. (Bernard Baruch)
That period of
life when you buy a see-through nightgown
and then remember
you don’t know anyone who can still see through one.
When everything
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
When a man
begins to feel friendly toward insurance agents.
Not so bad
when you consider the alternatives
(Maurice Chevalier)
When the gleam
in your eye is just the sun on your bifocals
(Henry Youngman)
When you feel
like the day after the night before, and you haven’t been anywhere.
Downhill: getting easier or getting worse.
Reptile dysfunction: the real reason dinosaurs when extinct.
(Gary Hullquist)
Nostalgia: life in the past lane.
the
ability to remember yesterday's prices while forgetting yesterday's wages.
Good old days: when anyone who could tie a square knot could repair
a clothes drier.
Vampire: a pain in the neck.
Friends: chocolate chips in
the cookie of life.
Baby-sitter: a teenager who must behave like an adult
so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Mary, Queen of Squats: Elizabeth I's personal trainer.
Vincent van Gogh's dizzy sister: Verti Gogh
his
uncle, the magician: Wheredidy Gogh
his
obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
his
nephew who drove a stage coach: Wells Far Gogh
his
great-great-niece, the RV dealer: Winnie Bay Gogh
Egotist: one who is me-deep in conversation.
Intellectual: one who takes more words than necessary to tell more
than he knows.
Gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
Hermit: girl's baseball glove.
Archeologist: a man whose career lies in ruins.
Rookie Balboa: explorer who discovered the Pacific Ocean on his
very first voyage.
Exterminator: someone who makes ants say 'uncle.'
Olympic Officials: The Souls that time men's tries.
Racetrack: a place where windows clean people.
Tennis: a game where love means
nothing.
Trick photography: focus pocus.
Conflict of interest:
when the kids want a jump rope,
Dad wants an anchor line,
Mom wants to hang out the wash.
May:
Mother Nature's way of apologizing for February.
June: when graduates go out to set the world on fire.
July: when they start to wonder if their matches are wet.
Fall Foliage: love
it or leaf it.
Dozen roses: preventive maintenance.
LAN
down under: Local Area Network in Australia.
Plateau: a high form of flattery.
Door: what a dog
is always on the other side of.
Flashlight: a tube where you store dead batteries.
Telly Belly: British couch potato.
Minor earthquake: a faults alarm.
Cole's Law: thinly sliced
cabbage.
Fourth Law of Inertia:
a body
at rest tends to watch TV
Subordinate clause: Santa's helper.
Simicolon: half of a large intestine.
Knee mail: getting in touch with God.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Hangover: the wrath of grapes.
Fibrillation: cousin who tells white lies.
Diapers: a bum wrap.
Sweater: a garment worn by a small child when his mother feels
chilly.
Literhosen: 1000 grams of wet socks.
Automobile: an expensive contraption to operate
ranking
right up there with the shopping cart.
Ecnalubma (ek-na-lub'-ma) n. A rescue vehicle that can only be
seen in the rearview mirror.
A good landing: one that you can walk away from.
A great landing: one where you can reuse the plane.
Junk: something you keep a long time, then throw away a week before
you need it.
Dessert cart: calorie gallery.
Nouvelle Cuisine: French for "I can't believe I just spent
$87 and I'm still hungry."
Rhubarbaric: crude pie-eating behavior.
Pumpkin Pi: the result of dividing the circumference of a Jack-O-lantern
with its diameter.
Baloney: where some hemlines fall.
Tater tots: children of couch potatoes.
Short-order cook: frequent fryer.
Inoculatte: coffee taken intravenously.
Pound cake: 453.6 graham crackers.
Paradox: two wharves.
Paradigms: 20 cents.
Terrapin: 1 trillion pins.
Hoarsepower: basic unit of laryngitis.
Microfiche: 1 millionth of a fish.
Megaphone: 1 million microphones.
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds.
Decoration: 10 rations.
10 cards: 1 decacards.
Centipede: 10 millipedes.
Diagram: 2 monograms.
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