Quips  ECONOMY Our financial situation definitely is fluid. We're going straight down the drain. The economy may be on the right track, but the train isn't moving. The ECONOMIST's wife left him because all he ever did was stand at the end of the bed and tell her how good things were going to be. Ever notice that a dropped penny always lands at your feet, but when you drop a quarter, it rolls 20 yards? He's rich enough to own a limousine, but has nothing to chauffeur it. Trying to balance a budget is a lot like playing pool: you're behind the eight ball, and all you see are a bunch of open pockets. Budget:  the mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.  (A. A. Latimer) Budget: a device for telling you where your money should have gone. Today is the tommorrow that yesterday you spent money like there was no. LAWYERS There are only three lawyer jokes. The rest are true stories. Tombstone: Here lies John Morgan, a lawyer and an honest man. How about that!  They've got three people buried in one grave. A lawyer is someone willing to spend every cent you own to proves he's right. Lawyers are buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six because deep down, they're really good people. TAXES-GOVERNMENT Income tax: capital punishment. Too bad we can't invest in taxes. They're the only thing sure to go up. The federal income tax was introduced as a temporary measure...on February 25, 1913. I finally figured out how government works. The Senate gets the bill from the House. The President gets the bill from the Senate. And we ge the bill for everything. In the good old days, Uncle Sam lived within his income...and without most of ours. A successful POLITICIAN is someone who can STAND on a FENCE and make everyone believe it's a PLATFORM. Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up, and taxes don't know which way is down. Government bureau: where they keep taxpayer's shirts. Paper work is the embalming fluid of bureaucracy, maintaining an appearance of life where none exists. I love to go to Washington--if only to be near my money (Bob Hope) Government deficit:  the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.  (Sam Ewing) POLITICS The special genius of Congress is to seize an idea whose time has come and sit on it until its time has gone. CRIME must PAY or so many POLITICIANS wouldn't be seeking re-election. We'll never get a tax-cut bill passed by our government because Congress refuses to sign anything that doesn't say 'Pay to the Order of' We may not be able to IMAGINE how our LIVES could be any more FRUSTRATING and COMPLEX--but CONGRESS can. Most problems don’t exist until a government agency is created to solve them. Why do they call it a POLITICAL FORUM, when most of us are againstum? Why do they call it a RUSH HOUR when nothing moves? Meteorologists have finally figured out why Buffalo, NY is so hard hit during the winter. It is at the precise point where all the cold air coming down from Canada meets all the hot air coming up from Washington. Politicians have many convictions--on the same issue. Like the Politician's Polka: You take one step forward, two steps back--and sidestep the issue. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Where do solutions go when a candidate gets elected? In politics, there’s a fine line between too much conviction and too little. In politics, normally, hectic, It’s hard to be wisely eclectic. So when pressed for opinions, Representative minions, Will lapse into vague dialectic. The federal Administration wants to have all welfare recipients working within two years. And the ones who refuse to work?...well, they don't deserve to be re-elected. There's a FINE LINE between FISHING and standing on the shore like an IDIOT. MARRIAGE Some peoples formula for a long lasting MARRIAGE is simple: one TALKS and the other one doesn't LISTEN. There's only three kinds of lovemaking through the years; tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly Marriage is educational. There's no surer way to learn about your faults. Convenient living: everything is so close, we can even WALK to the CARWASH. Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better." Getting used to new tools: A retired sea captain was asked how he came to have a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. The leg? "A cannonball took me leg" "What about your hand?" "Aye, laddy! I was in a sword fight." "How did you lose your eye?" "T'was a terrible storm off Tortuga. The riggin' was afoul, and I looked up and a sea gull..." "And that put your eye out?"  "No--it was the first day I had me hook!" The teen-ager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in the driveway. After a fruitless search, he came inside to tell his mother it was lost. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens. "I really looked hard for that, Mom, how'd you ever find it?" "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." LIMERICKS There was a young man with a HERNIA, who said to his DOCTOR, "Gol dernia, when improving my middle, be sure you don't fiddle, with matters that do not concernia." A wonderful bird is the pelican; his mouth holds more than his bellican; He takes in his beak; enough food for a week, but I sure can't see how the hellican. The NEIGHBOR below us named Warren, engages in nocturnal SNORIN'. With resonant tones, his wheezes and groans make sleeping above him unboarin'. As for beauty I'm not a great star, there are other more handsome by far; But my face I don't mind it, 'cuz I'm behind it-- It's the folks out in front that I jar. “Your teeth are like stars,” he said, and pressed her hand so tight. He spoke the truth, for like the stars, Her teeth came out at night. TECHNOLOGY It's a combination WORD PROCESSOR-FOOD PROCESSOR: in case you have to EAT your WORDS. Swallow your words now, or eat them later. The other day I got my tie stuck in a FAX MACHINE. Next thing I knew, I was in Los Angeles. Knock-knock! Who's there? Cheap gasoline. I'm not afraid of FLYING, just crashing. It's not the fall that hurts you, it's the sudden stop. When you fly think of only three things: faith, hope, and aerodynamics. * * * * * * * * Teaching a PIG to SING is not easy. It not only WASTES your TIME, it ANNOYS the pig. You know the temp is not a keeper when you see your charts organized ALPHABETICALLY according to DATE. Attack your most pressing PROBLEM FIRST. As they say back home, 'If you got a frog to swaller, don't look at it too long.' Look for navigational signs. Like at night, you can get your bearings from the sky. A glow will indicate the nearest shopping center. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose. It matters not whether you WIN or LOOSE, it's how you place the BLAME HEALTH & EXERCISE I used to watch GOLF on television, but I decided I needed more exercise, so now I watch TENNIS. The EXERCISE that really changes your life is WALKING down the aisle. Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear Dieting is the PENALTY for exceeding the FEED LIMIT. If I can lose 30 pounds, I'll be DOWN to the weight I never thought I'd be UP to. Eat, drink, and Be Wary. Get rid of toxic waist. Life is short. Eat desserts first. I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days. The doctor prescribed a diet: "Eat all you want for two days, then skip a day.  Then eat all you want for two days.  And so on. I’ll see you back in two weeks and 5 lbs later."  Two weeks later, he returned.  The doctor was amazed to see he had lost 20 lbs.  "Did you follow my instructions?"  "Exactly."  "You must have starved yourself."  "No, but I about died from all the skipping. Never eat at fat-food restaurants. If I make it thru the day without eating ice cream, I reward myself with chocolate-chip cookies. I would stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter. Minutes spent at the dinner table won't get you fat. But seconds do. What's the difference between FAT CHANCE and SLIM CHANCE? The waist is a terrible thing to mind. Mirror, mirror, on the dresser--don't I look a little lesser? Escargot is not a fast food. The difference between EATING out and DINING out is about ten bucks a person. Doctors say if you eat slowly you will eat less. Anyone raised in a large family will tell you the same thing. 4 our of 5 doctors...is 80% The MARK of a real DOCTOR is usually ILLEGIBLE. Studies show that lab research is the leading cause of death in mice. I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.  (Steven Wright) Alone on the med-surg ward, he went from ICU to 'no see you' Hospital insurance is like wearing a hospital gown--you only THINK you're fully covered. Fun is like LIFE INSURANCE. The older you get, the more it costs. * * * * * * * EXCUSES are the NAILS used to build a house of FAILURE. FAITH is believing in things when COMMON SENSE tells you not to. ...to say the right thing at the right time, and to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the TEMPTING MOMENT. When going ICE SKATING, never judge a BROOK by its cover. Think twice; do once.  Don't count your chickens before they cross the road. Mind your own business before pleasure. Beauty is only skin deep in the eye of the beholder. So cold we had to go up and break the smoke off the chimney. If all the people who fall asleep in church were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. LOVE doesn't make the world go round, it makes the ride worthwhile. Outside of TRAFFIC, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as COMMITTEES. The optimum COMMITTEE has no members. Most programs start out slow, and then taper off from there. The only thing that audits fix is the blame. The VISION must be followed by VENTURE. It is not enough to STARE up the steps--we must STEP up the stairs. A fool and his money are soon spotted. A man with a watch KNOWS what time it is. A man with two watches is NEVER SURE. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. A NEUROTIC thinks you mean it when you ask him HOW HE IS. Humans have contracted rabies merely by breathing the air in a cave where thousands of bats were living. The air carried virus that the animals had exhaled. Moral: Avoid BAT BREATH. A microbe swimming down the blood vessel of a horse got tired of living life in vein. So he impetuously darted down an artery just as the vet gave the horse a shot of penicillin killing the equine bacterium (E. coli?) on the spot. Moral: Never CHANGE STREAMS in the middle of a HORSE. "DISCHARGE STATUS: ALIVE but without permission." TB or not TB, That is congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of corpse, of corpse. A mind-lift beats a face-lift any day. A 1988 New York Times death notice: "Those who remember our co-founder mourn his passing and are certain he considers this a sentimental waste of money." What is considered a LIVING WAGE depends on whether you PAY it or GET it. My wife is a real manipulator. She has me eating right out of her hand. Beats washing dishes. I really don't understand my wife sometimes. She insists on buying a new BATHING SUIT before we go on VACATION just because her old one had a hole in the knee. I overheard it out of the CORNER of my EAR. I've been working my HEAD to the BONE. Never PUT OFF until TOMORROW what you can manage to wiggle out of today. MISSOURI TRUISMS Show me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a very messy house. Show me a cow with a sense of humor and I'll show you a laughing stock. BIGAMY is the only crime where TWO RITES make a wrong. They hang MISTLETOE over the baggage counter so you can kiss your LUGGAGE good-by. In LOUISIANA, trash has to be bayou-degradable. Our VACATION wasn't a total loss. Most people go a lifetime without ever seeing ICICLES on palm trees. TEAM - Together Each Accomplishes More If you AREN'T AFRAID to face the music, you may someday LEAD the band. They say that MONEY TALKS. That's why my POCKETS are so QUIET. TEMPER is what gets us into trouble. PRIDE is what keeps us there. GARDENING It's not too early to start planning what you're going to do wrong with your garden this year. When asked to plant a garden, the first thing many people dig up is an excuse. A man shouldn't have a garden any bigger than his wife can take care of. Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard, then the back yard. But my wife is taking a course on speed weeding. If you're going around in circles maybe it's because you're cutting too many corners. CHILDREN Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so you can tell when you're REALLY in trouble. Children want to find out everything by asking questions no one can answer. Yes, children are deductible. But they can also be taxing. There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 20 years won't cure. You spend 18 months trying to get your children to stand up and talk, and the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and listen. The kid who leaves for college to set the world on fire usually comes back home for more matches. If you can remain calm in the midst of chaos, you've obviously had some experince raising a family. Ever notice how the number of teenagers in the area seems to dramatically increase after you no longer need a baby-sitter? Train up a child in the way he should go and tread there yourself once in a while. The difference between ADULTS and CHILDREN is that adults have toys that require monthly payents. AGE-BIRTHDAYS-MATURITY Age is a high price to pay for maturity. Time waits for no man...but it sometimes hesitates for a woman of 39. Age is mind over matter: if you don't mind, it don't matter. Each day above ground is a good day. Why is it that the idea of living a long life is so appealing, but growing old isn’t? Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather- not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car. If you live by the calendar, your days are numbered. Life is like a 10-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. You reach MIDDLE AGE when all you EXERCISE is CAUTION. Youth: adjusting your hair to the existing hairstyle. Maturity: adjusting your hairstyle to the existing hair. We have enough youth. What we need is a Fountain of Smart. You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. Twenty something: the going rate for a baby sitter. The teenage years are the last stage of life when it’s exciting to hear that the phone is for you. There are only two times in a person's life when they are smart:  at age 5 we know all the questions.  at 18 we know all the answers. The bad new is that I accidently left my electric toothbrush on all night. The good news is: that's the cleanest our bathroom has ever been. "I've got bad news," the doctor said, "You've only got 24 hours to live." "That IS bad news," the patient answered, "what could be worse?" The doctor replied, "I've been trying to reach you since last night." May you live as long as you want to. May you want to as long as you live.  (Celtic toast) There are only three ages of man:   youth, middle age, and "you're looking well" Three ages of men:   you believe in Santa Claus   you don't believe in Santa Claus   you are Santa Claus When does life begin? The Catholic priest said, “At conception” The Presbyterian minister said, “At birth” The Baptist pastor said, “At 12 weeks, when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat.” The Jewish rabbi said, “Life begins when your last child leaves home…and takes the dog with him.” Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.  (Milton Berle) You know you’re middle age when your children tell you that you’re driving too slow and your parents tell you that you’re driving too fast. My hair is thinning. So who wants fat hair? You know you’re getting older when:     the candles cost more than the cake  (Bob Hope)     elastic-waist paints start to seem appealing     you know your way around--but you don't feel like going.     You’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started (Milton Berle) Old age is like underware: it creeps up on you. Last will and Testament:  Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. Old people shouldn’t eat health foods.  They need all the preservatives they can get.  (Robert Orben) Now that I can afford a big house, I don’t have the energy to clean it.  (Denise Tiffany) Every time I try to take out a new lease on life, the landlord raises the rent.  (Ashleigh Brillian) They say such nice things about people at their funerals but it makes me said to realize that I’m only going to miss mine by just a few days.  (Garrison Keillor) Be nice to your children because they will choose your rest home.  (Phyllis Diller) Don’t worry about becoming senile. You won’t notice when it happens. By the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.  (Milton Berle) Middle age:  when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. Middle age:  too young to take up golf, too old to rush up to the net. When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.  (George Burns) If I’d known I was going to live so long, I’d have taken better care of myself. (Eubie Blake) The old believe everything, The middle-aged suspect everything, The young know everything.  (Oscar Wilde) I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years Saluting strange women and grandfather clocks  (Ogden Nash) Old age is no place for sissies.  (Bette Davis) I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.  (Phyllis Diller) The one advantage to being 102—no peer pressure.  (Dennis Wolfberg) Some people reach the age of 60 before others.  (Lord Hood) 4 B’s of middle-age:  Baldness, Bridgework, Bifocals, Bunyons The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. Diplomat:  a man who always remembers his wife’s birthday, but never her age.  (Robert Frost) At age 60:  you will have spent 20 years in bed, and over three years eating. Old age: fifteen years older than I am.  (Bernard Baruch) That period of life when you buy a see-through nightgown and then remember you don’t know anyone who can still see through one  (Bette Davis) When everything starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. When a man begins to feel friendly toward insurance agents. Not so bad when you consider the alternatives  (Maurice Chevalier) When the gleam in your eye is just the sun on your bifocals  (Henry Youngman) When you feel like the day after the night before, and you haven’t been anywhere. I adore my bifocals, my false teeth fit fine, my hairpiece looks good, but I sure miss my mind. It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything. When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.  (Mark Twain) Now that I’m over sixty, I’m veering towards respectability. (Shelly Winters) Secret of staying young:  live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.  (Lucille Ball) Growing old is a bad habit which I have just no time to form.  (Andre Maurois) Age doesn’t matter unless you’re cheese.  (Billie Burke) Pay back time: Spoil your grandchildren rotten next time they visit. It’ll take their parents weeks to get them back to normal. I don’t like old age: there’s no future in it. * * * * * * * *  You may be DISAPPOINTED if you fail, but you are DOOMED if you don't try. I am patient with STUPIDITY but not with those who are PROUD of it. My daughter's pet bird fell into a can of varnish and drowned. It was an awful way to die, but it sure had a beautiful finish. The good news: it could have been a whole lot worse. The bad news: it's awful anyway. My uncle ordered POPOVERS from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on his chair: "To eat these things," my uncle said, "You must exercise great care. You must swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must SPIT OUT the AIR!" And so as you partake of this world's bill of fare, it's just good advice to follow. Spit out all the hot air. And be careful what you SWALLOW.    Dr. Seuss To butter a bagel you need to finagle The slithering spread to the edge of the bread, Avoiding the hole of this crisp Jewish roll Lest globs of goo land In the palm of your hand As they fall through the middle of this no-middle vittle. Amorphous, fist-size blob of dough, the bagel, freshly baked-just so With garlic garnish, seeded, salted, or with onions can’t be faulted. But eat it quickly, on the fly for tomorrow it will petrify. And then you will be out of luck (Unless you need a hockey puck). In essentials: Unity.  In nonessentials: Liberty. In all things: Charity   Philip Malancthon Just because NO ONE DISAGREES with you does not necessarily mean you are right, or brilliant. It may just mean you are the BOSS. Cheer up--birds have bills, too...but they keep on singing. When God buries the hatchet, He doesn't leave the handle above the ground. When you flee temptation, make sure you don't leave a forwarding address. Rust ruins more tools than overuse does. You make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give. Don’t be simply good; be good for something.  (Henry David Thoreau) Live simply that others may simply live. Home: be it ever so humble, it's no place to grumble. Yelling at your kids to get them to obey makes as much sense as trying to drive your car by honking your horn. The same hammer that shatters the glass also forges the steel. It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Because light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until they speak. The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed. A halo only has to fall a few inches to become a noose. One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.  (Helen Keller) The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. People seldom get dizzy from doing good turns. In spite of inflation, the wages of sin have not changed. If your mind should go blank, don't forget to turn off the sound. Blessed are the curious for they shall have adventures. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. If a man gets too big for his britches, his hat won't fit either. The person who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it. Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people. Racetrack: a place where windows clean people. If you're having trouble sleeping, don't count sheep--talk to the Shepherd. Flattery is like chewing gum--enjoy it, but don't swallow it. What should not be heard by little ears should not be said by big mouths. Children may close their ears to advise, but they open their eyes to example. SLEEP If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep. I had a miserable night. All my dreams were reruns. Last night I dreamed I was a muffler: I woke up exhausted. Too busy to worry during the day, and too sleepy to worry at night. ================================================== You can't keep trouble from coming, but you don't have to give it a chair to sit on. Tennis is a game where love means nothing. In designing man's hinges, the Creator knew he'd have little occaision to pat himself on the back. Your best years are when your children are old enough to help you shovel snow but too young to drive the car. If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. Conflict of interest:  when the kids want a jump rope,  Dad wants an anchor line,  Mom wants to hang out the wash. ********************** No one has ever ruined their eye sight by looking on the bright side. Roll up your sleeves and you won't lose your shirt. People are a lot like tea bags. We don't know our own strength until we get into hot water. An attitude of gratitude can make your life a beatitude. If you got no love in your heart, you've got the worst kind of heart disease. When you stop believing in Santa Claus you start getting underware. The sqeeky wheel doesn't always get the greese--sometimes it gets replaced. Two can't quarrel when one won't. The problem with getting it right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. If at first you do succeed, hide your astonishment. Potatoes aren't fattening unless you exceed the spud limit. Sorrow looks back; worry looks around; faith looks up. If you look around you'll be distressed, If you look within you'll be depressed, If you look up     you'll be blessed. Most people believe in law and order-- as long as they can lay down the law and give the orders. If you think meekness is weakness--try being meek for a week. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments. To admit you were wrong is simply to say, you are wiser today than you were yesterday. It took only 50 years for movies to go from silent to unspeakable. Some people find fault as if it were buried treasure. The only things that kids wear out faster than shoes are parents and teachers. The mighty oak trees was once a little nut that held its ground. People with coughs don't go to the doctor. They go to the concert. A truly contented person enjoys the scenery along a detour. No brook is too little to seek the sea. Be careful. Opportunity knocks for temptation, too. Why is it that opportunity knocks, but temptation just barges right in? We never know how soon it will be too late. The problem with being punctual is that you often have to wait for people who aren't. The only good thing about free advice is the price. Gentleness and persuasion win where force and bluster fail. If everything went like clockwork, the ticking would drive us nuts. Pick your friends, but not to pieces. Friends are like noses: it's all in how you pick them. Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.  (David Star Jordan, American naturalist) The world is full of willing people--some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Two things are bad for your heart:   running uphill, and running down people Before you explode at someone else's faults, take time to count 10 of your own. Some people never get interested in anything until it's none of their business. Success requires backbone, not wishbone. Many a good man has failed because his wishbone was where his backbone should have been. The only kind of painless dentistry is the kind practiced on someone else. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head. Life is hard by the yard; by the inch it's a cinch. Stop looking at the world through woes-colored glasses. Hem your day with prayer and it'll be less likely to unravel. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence. Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned. Say the best, think the rest.  A great actor can bring tears to your eyes. But, then, so can a mechanic. --------------------------------------------------------------------------                         How come there was so much movie censorship back when it wasn't needed? And so little of it now? Some people's trains of thought never leave the depot. The only thing faster than the speed of light is word of mouth. Television has not only replaced radio. It's done a pretty good job on homework, too. One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on the golf course. Variety is the spice of life: Somedays I'm the windshield, other days I'm the bug. It was all right to make bike tires narrower... but they never should have messed around with the seat. Do you think acupuncture could cure windbags? It doesn't do any good to sit up and take notice if you just keep sitting. EDUCATION If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Education is a wonderful thing. Just think, if you couldn't sign your name, you'd have to pay cash. Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two way to get to the top of an oak tree:   grab the lowest branch and climb on up...   or find a good, healthy acorn, sit on it and wait. For excellence, ask an expert. For wisdom, ask a sage. For honesty, ask a child. A person lost in his work has probably found his future. If you want to leave your footprints in the sands of time, wear work boots. CAUTION / JUDGEMENT Don't test the water's depth with both feet. Horse sense: stable thinking and the ability to say 'nay' ======================================================= Personality can open doors; character keeps them open. Keep smiling...it makes everybody wonder what you are up to. Anyone who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel. Anyone who looks like his driver’s license is not well enough to drive. The bigger a man's head gets, the easier it is to fill his shoes. The best thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. The problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest. Hard work spotlights the character of people:     some turn up their sleeves     some turn up their noses,     and some don’t turn up at all.     (Sam Ewing) Success comes in cans...not in can'ts Success in marriage is not finding the right person. It's becoming the right person. When you sing your own praise, you always get the tune too high. Stand up and you'll be seen. Speak up and you'll be heard. Shut up and you'll be appreciated. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. The easiest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office. *********** Nobody cares about apathy anymore! Didn't I just say dejavu? One of the most difficult social graces is silent soup eating. The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer, it realy dates you. There may be big apples on the top of the basket, but the little ones are holding them up. It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. Smile. It adds to your face value. There are three kinds of people:   Those who make things happen.   Those who watch things happen.   Those who wonder what happened. Woodpeckers use their heads and keep pecking away until the job is finished. Every household should have a filing cabinet on which to stack important papers. When you're up to your neck in trouble, try using the part that isn't submerged. A speaker who doesn't strike oil in 10 minutes should stop boring. Nobody who can read is ever successful in cleaning out an attic. If TV shows continue the way they've been going, soon the public is going to start demanding longer commercials. Between the dawn and setting sun, there ought to be some time for fun. Family reunions sometimes provide feud for thought. No one beneath me can offend me; no one my equal would. Give every man thy ear but few thy voice. -- Shakespeare The difference between a man and a municipal bond? Municipal bonds will eventually mature. A smart man may know what to say, but a wise man knows whether to say it or not. It's always darkest right before you stub your toe. Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools. Worried guitar players fret too much. Don’t drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car.  (Sam Ewing) She's a shelf-employed librarian. One way to improve your appearance: use low-wattage lighting. Sociologists say that going to the movies can be a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way your feet stick to the floor. We do three types of jobs--Cheap, Quick and Good. You can have any two. A quick cheap job won't be good. A good cheap job won't be quick. A good quick job won't be cheap. I bought a watch that was waterproof, dustproof and shockproof. It caught on fire. I've been traveling so much, I receive wakeup calls on my car phone. Casey went to confession. "Father, I've sinned. I used the Lord's name in vain while playing golf."   "I understand, my son," said the priest. "I play the game myself. What happened?" "It was the 13th hole. I teed off, hit the ball 240 yards right down the middle, but it bounced off a sprinkler head into the woods."   "Is that when you swore?"   "No, Father. I hit a fantastic shot out of the rough, but it landed deep in a sand trap."   "Ah, that's when you took the Lord's name in vain."   "No," said Casey. "I hit the ball perfectly out of the trap, and it wound up just four inches from the cup."   "Is that when you blasphemed?" asked the priest.   "No..."   "_____ _____ Don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!" Nothing wilts faster than rested laurels. The first one to see the light turn green is the driver of the second car back. There are only two certainties in life, but only one is available with an automatic extension (taxes). The sight of a gravestone gives perspective to such pressing problems as burnt toast, taxes and hay fever. W H Y ? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why don’t they have mouse-flavored cat food? Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand? Why does ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it is really ‘after light’? What should we do when we see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? When you open a bag of cotton balls, should you throw away the one on top? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? When you arrest a mime does he have the right to remain silent? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?  If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If it was a brown cow would it be chocolate? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you dropped a cat with a slice of buttered toast tied to its back, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If a man speaks in the forest, and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?  Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is there another word for synonym? Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving? Does a fish get cramps after eating? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What does Geronimo say when HE jumps out of a plane? Why is it that it takes more hot water to make cold water hot than cold water to make hot water cold?   W E A T H E R The principal function of March is to use up the winter weather that wouldn't fit into February. May is Mother Nature's way of apologizing for February. By far, the most satisfactory means of snow removal is spring. The only good thing about BAD WEATHER is it gives us something to talk about besides each other. 30 days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31 except January and February which seem like they have 80.